Remembering 9/11

Note: I wrote this about 2 years ago.

I have been reading Lori D's blog the last few days and came across a entry that brought back a lot of pain and sorrow. I have tried to avoid many of the memories, not out of disrespect or anything. It just brings back a lot of sorrow for what I saw that day. Until recently have I started to deal with it. So I wanted to share with you mine and many others experience and many people experienced the same thing or worse.


I will remember that day till the day I die. I worked on the 47th floor of the second building that got hit. I remember that morning was so beautiful as I looked over the Hudson River into NJ and then looking further down the river to see the statue of Liberty. I often did this every morning before starting my work. I turned to my desk and said hello to a co-worker as he came in and sat at his desk.


I was sitting there no more than 10 minutes before I heard what sounded to me like a big explosion. I suddenly felt our office get warmer as the building vibrated and moved from the concussion from the other building. I though a BIG bomb went off in our building. I ran to window of my office and saw a lot of smoky papers falling in front of me. I thought we were hit for sure. I got REALLY nervous and told my co-worker that we should get out of the building so we proceeded to the stairwell where other workers where gathering, debating on leaving or not. I told them, are you crazy, we should get out and gather out front if possible and then decide what to do from there(good thing we did).


We proceeded down the stairs and as we got to each floor it would slow some as other people were also trying to get down the stairs. I remember looking into several firemen eyes as they ran up the same stairs everyone else was running down (God bless them all and their families). I remember hearing over the intercom that a small plane had hit the other building and it was safe to return to our offices, but what I felt when the first plane hit told me not to listen to their advice, so I continued down the stairs. 30th floor, 20th floor, I was starting to get a little winded but could not slow down too much fearing I'd get run over. So I continued. I finally made it down to the lobby, where the police was directing everyone to go to the plaza area to exit through the plaza. As I hurried myself through the plaza, I remember so any faces with terror in the eyes, something I hadn't seen in person before. I started to get a haunting feeling as I started to hear thuds above me, thinking it was debris from the fire I continued. I finally made it to the exit and continued to the outside where it was mayhem all around. I looked up to see a huge fire burning. As I turned to walk up the street I heard another explosion and I looked up just as the building I was just standing in blow up in a ball of flames. It scared the crap out of me and I ran as debris started to fall around me. When l I was a few blocks away I finally paused for a few minutes as I looked back and finally realized what the thuds I heard in the plaza was. I saw people jumping to their death to get away from the flames as each floor was engulfed in flames. I decided to go home. So I got on the last train leaving the area before they shut down the subway. I remember walking down the block and seeing people crying historically and others trying to comfort them at the same time trying to absorb what was happening around us.


The horrible things I saw that day still haunts me at times. I finally visited a memorial this year at a local park and as I stood there reading the names. I had to sit down as I broke down remembering all the faces I saw of the firemen, police and others that day. Yes, we should never forget those that died that day. How many are scared for life. I'm reminded how lucky I am to be standing here today. We must NEVER forget that day. God bless us all.


Michelle Lee

Validation and Acceptance

I've had to take a closer look at my life in the last few years and how things have affected me. I have always looked for both validation and acceptance but have never gotten it for the reasons that meant most to me. I've had acceptance as a boy, but always looked for the acceptance I never had a chance to get for being a female. I hid in fear. Fear of being laughed at, fear of being ridiculed and fear of being alone. All these fears kept me down for so many years.

Rejection can be a strong emotion, which can tier at your very fabric of your soul. Rejection from society, your friends and loved ones. This can bring about all the other fears. Early in life we all try to fit in somewhere in society. Looking for acceptance in some group or another, and sometimes doing just about anything to fit in to one of these groups. Usually we slide in where we feel more comfortable. The brainiest hang out with the brainiest; the athletes hang out with the jocks, est. But as transsexuals it may be more difficult to find that place of total comfort. A place you're not afraid to be. I found myself just looking for a place I could be accepted. I went as far as practicing in front of the mirror to make sure the way I walked and the way I acted was totally male. Mind you, I was not a macho guy, but I didn't want anyone to think I was gay or perceived as a girlish boy. Survival of the fittest as they say. In the small town (Southern Utah) I spent most of my childhood, anyone that fell out of the norm was tossed out to the side as an outcast.

Acceptance comes in many forms. Social acceptance most people seem to look for. As noted above, this can be the one everyone fears at one time or another. For the lucky ones, it can be a wonderful experience to finally find a comfortable place to be. But each of us will go through these times in our lives at different paces. I believe the more you feel comfortable with being out, what that may mean to you could be anything. For some of the girls out there, this can be a emotional journey at times. Some may turn to isolation from society. At times in life you may have been witness to the cruel ways some people can be. Rejection from society can make one also want to go into isolation. Away from everyone and giving yourself some time to meditate. You must get to a point where you're not afraid to be comfortable with yourself. Take some time to look at yourself and your life. Sometimes self acceptance takes some time, but as you mature at your true nature, you gain the life experience that will carry you into the future.

Many of the un-educated in our society refuse to look at any of the research that seems to show that there are other reasons that transsexuals feel the way that they do. They will tell us that this is a CHOICE! You got to be kidding me. Who in their right mind would ever want to go through what many transsexuals go through just to keep our heads above the water. There is belittlement from our families, friends and society as a whole. It makes perfect since why so many TS’s prefer to stay in stealth mode all their lives. It’s sad that people can’t just accept the fact that this is not a choice and it was meant to be, even before we were born. The parents seem to blame themselves, but they don’t have to. They don’t need to feel guilty over what their child is going through. There was nothing that they or anybody else could have done to prevent this from happening. Nature will take its own course and that is just life. We all have to deal with it, the TS person, their families and many of their friends. In my option, the only ones that should feel guilty about anything are the bigoted ones, but not for the way they raised them. For not only ignoring science but also for not giving their child the love that they so deserve.

Ok, take away all the research and any scientific data. Why would a transsexual feel they would have to transition to become the opposite gender. Well, let me ask you this. Are you happy and content with your body as you are today? Your answer will probably be yes. Now imagine that suddenly you had the body of the opposite sex. You where expected to act a certain way, if you didn’t you were punished. Everyone treated you as you looked and expected nothing more or less from you. When you look in the mirror, you do not like what you see because that is not you. Deep inside you know how your body is supposed to be, but you see something totally opposite. You are treated differently from what you expect because people she the opposite of what you feel inside. You feel like nothing is right, you can’t be yourself. You feel like the weird one in the group. You are forced to be someone that you become to hate, a shell of a person. What do you do? Well, the same can be said about a transsexual. The TS person feels that their body does not match what the brain tells them that is the truth. They are tortured throughout their lives with the fact that their bodies don’t reflect the true person inside. Many times in their lives they are tempted to tell someone, anyone. But they are scared to be rejected for who they really are. Many keep that fear of rejection hidden until they can’t take it anymore, many times later in life after they have married and had children. Whenever it happens, there usually comes of time when the TS person must come out or they feel that they will die from depression. The depression of not being their true self’s all your life. Society puts so much pressure on an individual to conform to the stereotypes set forth at their birth, the pressure to conform can be tremendous.

I believe that personal acceptance can be the hardest for the transsexual at times. I had some problems at times with this. I've gone through many years of indecision to get where I am today. But it didn’t come easy. The years of denial, the years of fear and the years of wanting to believe that I was something I was not can take a toll on a person. It was not until I gained some education on the subject that I began to see I was not the only one out there that felt this way. Seeing others struggling through life as I had let me know I was not crazy. It took me several years before I truly accepted who I was and what I needed to do to be happy.

Family acceptance is another we hope to have in our life's. I spent most of my life afraid to tell my parents about me being a transsexual. When I finally did tell them I was 30 year old, and getting overwhelmed with my life. My mother seemed to be very supportive, and my dad didn't seem to care to much either way. It was really surprising that I also got the support of my brothers also, one of whom now calls me his sister. I have not seen them much in last 10 years but we have been in contact over the phone and have had many long talks. I also have been given some support with my two kids. They are great kids and I love them very much. I was not able to tell my kids about me being transgendered at first. Within the last 8 year I have talked to my kids about me being transsexual and they seemed to be opened minded about it. It has also been a surprised to see my wife starting to support my needs. She is starting to open up to the idea that a transsexual can honor their needs without losing the sentimental moments.
The acceptance of family can be a life line to your soul. Many of my brothers and sisters have lost family in the process of coming out. It can be devastating to someone, especially if they have always been close to their loved ones. So many of those who lose their families are due to the pressures of society, even their religion. I find it sad that many of those people can’t or refuse to see the happiness and pure joy in their loved ones eyes as they go through this journey of enlightenment. An enlightenment that brings out a better person. In many cases a person who is able to truly love another without fear. A person who has opened there heart to others and willing to show the authentic person.

So what do we do? Hide from the society and never become our true self’s and achieve our god given happiness in life. Or do we strive to prove society wrong and show them that we were meant to be who we are and live a life that was meant for us. The answer lies within all of us for each one of us is different and can take so much from society. There are those that won’t survive either because of the hate will finally cause so much strife in the their life that they feel they need to end it all, and others will be able to persevere through all the hate and succeed in life and live their lives complete and happy. I have been on both sides of the fence. I’ve let the fear keep me down and hidden, but that didn’t get me anywhere that made me happy. So those terrible thoughts would rise in all its fiery glory. I have also been lucky to make it over that hump and now look for that happiness that so many of us look for. We all have so much to live for and I’ve slowly come to see that. So I’m making strides to change my life for a better place in life. I also truly believe that it will also make me a better person as a whole so I may be a better parent and spouse.

In closing I’d like to share an excerpt of a poem I wrote about a year ago:

Why am I angry
I look into people eyes
I get back intolerance
If looks could kill
It would be a death sentence

Why am I angry
If people would just try and understand
And take my place in this great land
They would finally see
I'm no different than them

I have a kind heart
That gets all torn apart
When they try and condemn
For if they could let go
Even they could live free

Maybe one day
I'll find acceptance
For my life as it is
Seeking life's essence
And finally find my way
To the place that's peaceful
With pleasant morning rays

What is Transition mean to me?

Transition will mean many things to many people, so bare with me as I describe what it means to me.

From Wikipedia:
“Transitioning is the process of changing genders - the idea of what it means to be female or male. For transsexuals, the new gender is "opposite" that of birth sex; for intersex people it is different from how they were raised; for genderqueer people it is neither solely female nor male.”

For me it is the journey we all take in our lives to discover who we are and how we will handle things in our future. Transition is not all about the process of just changing genders or taking the final step toward SRS. It is so much more than that. It’s a process, a process that may start 2, 5, 10 or even more years before even getting to the point of SRS. And in my option, transition does not stop after those final surgeries. This journey we go through will take us to so many places deep within ourselves, some will be dark and others will shine a light that gives clarity to many misunderstood thoughts and feelings you may have had in the past. This clarity is an important part of transition, because without it we may get ahead of ourselves and jump into something before we are ready to take the correct steps.

This journey took me to many dark places because I resented that fact I could no longer play with the other girls when I got to a certain age. If I didn’t play with the boys I was looked down upon because “boys” don’t play with the girls. You must stay in the male pack. I hated my body in my teens as it changed with more masculine features. I was envious of the girls around me because I felt I should have been growing and socializing right along with them. Yet my body was forcing me in a different direction then I wanted to go. To survive, I immersed myself in other things such as music and drawing, but those things really never could relieve the torture I felt inside. To add to the pain, I knew I could not tell anyone because I knew that if I didn’t even understand what I was feeling no one would either. On top of that, I knew I would me mocked and labeled a freak. All of us at this age (teens) are trying to fit in somewhere, and to be left outside of a group was to live a lonely life.

Without the knowledge or resources we have today with the internet and so many other places of support, life for me looked rosy on outside, but very cloudy on the inside. I only mention the above to make a point. The point being that because of that journey (painful or happy side), it eventually led to moments of clarity. The search for knowledge began as the internet began to emerge. I always wondered why I felt I was meant to be a girl? Why dressing made some of those sad feeling go always, but only for a moment. Why did I still feel something was missing? Why? So many whys went unanswered most of my life.

I tell most people that I’ve been transitioning for the last 15 or so years. It could have been even long if you consider the whole journey apart of transition. But it was about then when the internet emerged and I slowly found answers to some of the burning questions I’ve always had. In every new peace of knowledge I grew. I grew to better understand my thoughts and feelings. I grew to know myself better. I was finally able to cut away some of those barriers I’ve built up so long ago to protect myself from harm. The barriers that held me back from being authentic to me and others. I began the journey of self discovery. Slowly the clarity in my mind began to shine a light on the path that I knew I needed to follow. The clarity of self acceptance was the biggest stumbling block, because at first I didn’t want to admit I may be a transsexual. I was afraid of what that would mean to me and the family I now had. It took a while, but the more I read and compared it to my past and present, the more I realized that this was never going away. The more I realized this, I could finally declare to myself that this is who I am and trim away the shame I attached to it for so long. It also helped to know I was not the only one out there. I soon learned that there are many that have traveled down this path and did something about it and are much happier for it today. I wanted to be one of those people that were happy with themselves and life.

Since I got serious about my transition, I am happier which makes the hard time more bearable. With each step I take toward my goals, the light shines even brighter. Even though the transition is not complete, I now know in my heart that this is the right thing for me. Complete. Hmmm, I wonder if anyone can ever call a transition complete, because the discoveries won’t stop after going full time. And they sure won’t stop after SRS, at least that’s what I believe. Maybe I can settle on that a step in the transition will be complete:)

So after all this rambling, what is transition? Well, it’s a journey of self discovery that for some will never end, but with each turn in that journey you’ll discover new and wonderful things about yourself and life in general. It’s a process that’s not made for everyone, but for the select few who go through the process it can be a life changing experience. So take a very close at yourself and find where your journey will take you.

And by the way, what does transition mean to you?
Hugs Michelle

The Lateisha Green Murder Trial (Update to my last post)

Well, yesterday after posting my note I read the blog from TLDEF on the trial. It seemed odd to me that some of the witnesses where suddenly forgetting what they had said in police interviews, even suggesting that they were just saying yes to what the police told them about the case because he was scared of the police.
In today Syracuse paper there (and a mention in today's TDLEF blog) that witnesses were being threatened by friend of the murderer. After reading this everything I read yesterday made since. they tell the police one thing during the night of the interviews, they receive threats, then try to change what they said or somehow blame it on the police when they testify. This ASS plays dirty. I truly hope he does not get away with this. I'm not sure how this would normally work, should they put the trial on hold, investigate the treats and charge the offenders and bring it up in this trial, or do they do the investigation after this trial is over? However it should work, this stinks me BAD. What did this fool think he was doing? This just makes him look so much more guilty then before.
What do you all think?

Some things are getting out of hand

Some of you may be aware of an upcoming trial of Dwight DeLee which begins July 13. He’s accused of murdering Lateisha "Teish" Green with a rifle outside a house party in Syracuse, NY. Teish was a 22 year old transitioning transwomen. Teisha was sitting in a car with her younger brother Mark while attending a party when Dwight DeLee came over to the car with a rifle and fired his weapon. Dwight DeLee is alleged to have made a number of hate remarks about Teisha and her gender presentation and sexual orientation at the party. Her brother was injured during the attack, but Teish was mortally wounded and was pronounced dead at the hospital. I feel that our community must stay on top of this case just as we did in Angie Zapata.
I’m not sure what the deal is lately but I have noticed attacks on trans people on the rise. Even closer to home we had two attacks within a month of each other. Luckily these women survived.

From On Top Magazine:
Two men face up to 15 years behind bars for assaulting a transgender woman in Queens, New York on Wednesday, NY1 reported.
Carmella Etienne says she was pelted with rocks and beer bottles by Nathaniel Mims, 25, of the Bronx, and Rosheed Thomas, 22, of Queens.
The 22-year-old aspiring fashion designer says the men called out homophobic slurs at her – and threatened to kill her – as they attacked her.
“I was being attacked because of who I am,” Etienne, who was treated for a large cut to her leg, told the New York Daily News.
“I'm pretty traumatized,” she added.
Thomas admits to the name calling but says the victim did not see him throw anything, according to prosecutors. The two men were arraigned on Friday.
The incident comes on the heels of a nearby Jackson Heights assault where a transgender woman was beaten by two men with a belt buckle. Thirty-year-old Leslie Moran says her attackers repeatedly called her “faggot” in Spanish as they beat her. Two men, Trinidad Tapia, 19, and Gilberto Ortiz, 32, have been charged with assault in the second degree. The transgender rights group Transgender Legal Defense & Education Fund (TLDEF) and other advocates have urged authorities to charge the men with hate crimes enhancements.
“There's mounting concern in the community and anger at the violence and prejudice,” Brendan Fay, a leader in the LGBT community in Queens, told the paper. “Clearly these aren't isolated incidents.”

From TLDEF
We're sad to bring you the news of another brutal attack on a transgender woman, this one coming during the height of LGBT Pride month. On June 19, 2009, at approximately 2:30 am, Leslie Mora was walking home from a nightclub on Roosevelt Avenue in Queens when she was accosted by two men who brutally beat her with a belt. They stopped only when a passing motorist threatened to call the police. Throughout the attack, Leslie’s assailants called her a “faggot” in Spanish. The attack left Leslie with multiple injuries, including bruises all over her body, and stitches in her scalp. Police called to the scene found Leslie nearly naked and bleeding on the sidewalk. They also recovered a belt buckle from the assailants that was covered in blood.

On top of that the Queen District attorney is refusing to prosecute this case as a hate crime. WTF! How many trans people must be attacked or even murdered before our government takes this seriously? The media does not help in most cases either with their biased reporting (or no reporting at all) of the cases. I’ve seen too many reports where wrong pronouns are used or just refusing to report their correct gender identity. Teish’s case is a prime example of terrible reporting. In the first reports out on the murder the paper in Syracuse referred to Teish as he or man throughout the news article. People, she has been fulltime since she was 16.
I don’t know what it will take, but our society has to change. Transgender people have been around since the beginning of time, and that’s not going to change. We have been silenced for far too long. One thing I do see as a positive, is that trans people are making their mark on our society in positive ways. We are SLOWLY making turns for the better in our own lives and I believe it’s come mostly through positive education. Positive episodes such as 20/20, CNN, and a few others have made their mark. Also laws in some states have changed for the better. All this has changed because of people like you and I. We must make our voices heard and speak out against the injustice that we see in our daily lives. It will only get better if we can make our voices heard. Without our voice and our stories, the world will continue to leave us behind. For me, that is not acceptable.

Some thoughts for monday.

I have to wonder sometimes how people can be so ignorant and bigoted in their daily life. It makes me wonder if they are just miserable and have to find some way to make some else feel worse than they do. For example, I have a sister in-law that happens to have seen me many times in the house as Michelle (for the ones who are new to this blog, I’m not fulltime yet). Any every time she has made some rude comment or gesture toward me. One evening a few months back I happen to be watching Sex Change Hospital and enjoying my quite time when she came in from work. As soon as she realized what I was watching, she remained in the kitchen and made very rude comments toward the patients and Dr. Bowers. She even laughed at a patient as she described the pain and heartache she has been through in her life dealing with being a transsexual. She then began to sing above the volume of the TV some type of prayer hem. So I turned the volume up so that I could hear the TV. I’ll just say, it is not very pleasant when she is around. Know my other sister in-laws have treated me with at least respect since my wife and I got back together over a year ago, although they have not really seen me in person as Michelle. In the future that might change, I don’t know. To be fair, my niece told me one time that she was just not happy with the way that my wife and I separated a few years ago. But the way she has treated me has gone a LOT deeper than just that. Even my wife is tired of it. She stood up to her for the first time, a few month ago and reassured her that she was happy and has moved on. She also told her to leave if she can’t deal with it. For me, this was a defining moment for her. She is a quite person (as I am) and not crazy about conflict, and for her to stand up to her sister showed me the love that she has for me. It also gave me hope that our marriage will survive my transition.

I have been lucky that my brothers and mother (before she passed) was accepting, but I also feel for the many other brothers and sisters out there that are not so lucky to have a supportive family, The ones that would rather write off their family members, just because they are TLGB. Rather than deal with their prejudices and fears, they are willing to lose a precious part of their family. Yes precious! It saddens me deeply that people are so scared of what they don’t understand; they would throw out a member of their own family like a bag of garbage. To them, I’d say that they should look at themselves and take a very close look at why they are so shallow to allow society to dictate how you live your life. We see so much of this shallowness in the debate against gender identity and same gender marriage. The definition of marriage can’t change, because it tradition they’ll say. Just because it’s a tradition does not make it right. This country used to have a tradition called slavery. Was it right and just? NO! Things and attitudes change, and they are still changing. My hope is that things will change for the better for everyone within the TLGB community in the near future. There is so much false information out there that we need to stand firm and correct that information when we see it. If we don’t, who will? We all need to stand up and voice our opinions, if we don’t, then they win. And for the sake of our brothers and sisters, we can’t afford that to happen anymore.

Another false accusation against our community is that, if transgender people are allowed to use the restroom of there chosen gender. We will rape there women and children. Yet 99% (if not 100%) of all rapes of children and done by heterosexuals. Please explain this to me. I have NEVER heard or seen any valid story of a transgender person taking advantage of a women or child in the restroom. Darn, all we want to do is pee, is that so wrong. It’s as if they would rather shift the blame to someone else and ignore where the real problem is. They are more than happy to spread false rumors and outright lies to see their views passed as law. I’ve seen so many examples of this in the last 10 years it just makes me sick. I pray every day that people will see through all the lies and that one day we all can live in peace with one another. Is that such a bad thing to pray for?

Coming Out, Why?

This was a question that was posed to me the other day. Why do you feel the need to come out? So I’d like to pose the same question to you all who have come out to others either in your family or at work.

The question for me was mainly associated with work. I first came out to my family (mom and brothers) about 15 years ago. At the time I told them that I was not sure where this journey was going to take me. I also told them that I would have to take some time to figure all these feeling out within myself to really know what the future would hold for me. About the same time I came out to my wife with very mixed emotions about do so. The GID had finally gotten to a point that I felt I could not hold it from her anymore. All those years of knowing I was a women, at the same time feeling I had hide it from everyone because of the body I was given at birth. For the next 10 years or so I kept it within the family.
I guess at the time I hid it well, because she didn’t expect those words to come out of my mouth, I’m transgender.

Well, to say it went over well would be a lie. It didn’t go over well at all. We soon began to have problems within the relationship (she couldn’t separate her religion from the fact I was transsexual), and to make a long story short we separated for about 7 years. She thought the devil got a hold of me. I knew that was not the case. She thought I could just forget about it all and we could go on living the life we were living. I couldn’t do it anymore. I thought many times to myself, “was it worth it to come out to her?”. When I would ask myself that question, many times I would answer, No! I thought I lost the one person that knew me better than anyone else in this world. The only problem was she didn’t know me completely. She just got to know the shell of the person that I let out. It was nowhere near the full person I was. And that went for everyone else also. No one really knew what made me tick. What my true passions in life really were. They only knew one side of me.

During the time we were separated we had many one on one talks with each other. Many focused on what I was feeling and why I felt the way I did. During this time I also had time to discover what it really meant to me to be trans for me. As I came to accept myself for who I was, I slowly saw my wife change also. She began to ease up on the religious beliefs (No, she is not walking away from her religion, she is still a strong Catholic). I believe she finally believed that this was a condition I was born with and came to accept it. Well, a little over a year ago we decided to get back together (knowing my desire to transition) and we have been doing pretty good.

To answer the question, Was it worth coming out to her? Yes and No. It was terribly hard to miss out on the 7 years that we missed out on the time we were separated. But without this time, I truly don’t think that we would have gotten as close as we are today. And I also feel that she would not have gotten the time to think it out for herself. I do wish things could have been different, but it all worked out in the end for both of us. Who knows what the future has in store for us.

Ok, Michelle. What’s the point of the story? For one, it showed me that minds can change with the right. What do all this have to do with the title of this blog? Well, I was asked by a co-work this same question. She was the first one I came out to. She began to question my motives for coming out to people at work, stating “If I get pregnant, I’m not going to go telling the everyone at work, it’s my business and no one else’s.” She also tells me that she know these people, and a lot will not take it well. Sure, I don’t want to loose my job. At the same time, I have not been fired and I started coming out over a year ago. Yes, One person I came out to lost her mind and began to spread false rumors that I was suicidal (she claimed to have done a suicidal assessment of me without my knowledge), and even took it to the owner of the business and I’m still here. Does this mean I won’t be fired down the road as I get closer to gong fulltime. Who knows. They have hired two other trans people I know of (never met them though) and one still works there, the other quit. The point is, I’m so tired of playing this she raid. I’m not ashamed of who I am either. I can finally honestly say that and it feels good.

My co-worker questioned why I felt compelled to tell people that I’m transsexual. Is it for acceptance? Well, If it was only for acceptance I think I could possibly get more acceptance by not telling anyone and going on with my life the way it was before. This has not worked for me at all. All it made me was a bitter person. Bitter for letting others control my life. Bitter at others for allowing there predigests control my fears. Bitterness toward myself for allowing all the above. I spent ALL my life to this point looking for acceptance from others. Doing everything I could to be accepted somewhere in society. From putting up masked to hide the true person I was so that no one would laugh at me. Hiding the fact I felt like a women, just to fit in some were. It never worked. Ok sure, I found places to fit in, but the point is I was not being authentic to my true self. They accepted the facade, nothing else because they knew of nothing else. I didn’t feel whole. I was always on guard that I would slip and let it out and everything I built up around me would come crashing down. Not a happy place to be at all.

So Why? Because I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of not being true to myself. I want to be authentic to my soul and live my life authentically. Is that so bad? Going full time will not happen for at least another year, but in the mean time I can be true to myself. If people can’t accept that, then they will not be friends of mine. If they do, then more power to them. At least we can build a friendship on honesty and trust that will go a lot longer than one in lies. Is that so bad? I also know that without coming out, no one will learn anything new about our community. I have been trying my best to educate someone new, one person at a time. Maybe, just maybe, that will make the transition to full time that much easier for everyone involved and maybe the next person that steps in our doors.