Narrative I wrote for the T-Project.

Hi Everyone,
I recently had the chance to work with 5 other wonderful participants of the T-Project. It is an art show which includes still photography and video of each participant. Along with the art we included a narrative, Here's mine, I hope you enjoy:

Okay, take away all the research and any scientific data. Why do transsexuals feel they have to transition to become the opposite sex? Well, let me ask you this: Are you happy and content with your body as you are today? Your answer would probably be, “yes.” Now imagine that suddenly you had the body of the opposite sex. You were expected to act a certain way and if you didn't you would be punished. Everyone treated you as you looked and expected nothing more or less from you. When you looked in the mirror, you did not like what you saw because that is not you. Deep inside you knew how your body was supposed to be, but you saw something totally opposite. You were treated differently from what you expected because people saw the opposite of what you feel inside. You felt like nothing was right, you could not be yourself. You felt like the weird one in the group. You were forced to be someone that you came to hate — a shell of a person. What would you do? Well, the same can be said about a transsexual.

The TS person feels that the body does not match what the brain knows to be true. They are tortured throughout their lives with the fact that their bodies don't reflect their true selves. Many times in their lives they are tempted to tell someone, anyone, but they are afraid of being rejected for who they really are. Many keep that fear of rejection hidden until they can't take it anymore, many times later in life after they have married and had children. Whenever it happens, there usually comes a time when a TS person must come out or feel a death will come from depression — the depression of not being the true self.

So what do we do? Hide from our fears and never become our true selves, never achieve our God given happiness in life? Or do we strive to prove that we were meant to be who we are and live a life that was meant for us? The answer lies within all of us, for each one of us is different and can only take so much from society. There are those who won't survive because the hate will finally cause so much strife in the transsexual's life that there may be the feeling to end it all. Others will be able to persevere through all the hate and succeed in life and live their lives complete and happy.

I have been on both sides of the fence. I've let the fear keep me down and hidden, but that didn't get me anywhere that made me happy. So those terrible thoughts would rise in all their fiery glory. I have also been lucky to make it over that hump and now look for that happiness that so many of us look for. We all have so much to live for and I'm slowly beginning to see that. So I'm making strides to change my life for a better place in life. I also truly believe that it will also make me a better person as a whole so I may be a better parent and spouse. That's what being out means to me!

Validation and Acceptance

I've had to take a closer look at my life in the last few years and how things have affected me. I have always looked for both validation and acceptance but have never gotten it for the reasons that meant most to me. I've had acceptance as a boy, but always looked for the acceptance I never had a chance to get for being a female. I hid in fear. Fear of being laughed at, fear of being ridiculed and fear of being alone. All these fears kept me down for so many years.

Rejection can be a strong emotion, which can tier at your very fabric of your soul. Rejection from society, your friends and loved ones. This can bring about all the other fears. Early in life we all try to fit in somewhere in society. Looking for acceptance in some group or another, and sometimes doing just about anything to fit in to one of these groups. Usually we slide in where we feel more comfortable. The brainiest hang out with the brainiest; the athletes hang out with the jocks, est. But as transsexuals it may be more difficult to find that place of total comfort. A place you're not afraid to be. I found myself just looking for a place I could be accepted. I went as far as practicing in front of the mirror to make sure the way I walked and the way I acted was totally male. Mind you, I was not a macho guy, but I didn't want anyone to think I was gay or perceived as a girlish boy. Survival of the fittest as they say. In the small town (Southern Utah) I spent most of my childhood, anyone that fell out of the norm was tossed out to the side as an outcast.

Acceptance comes in many forms. Social acceptance most people seem to look for. As noted above, this can be the one everyone fears at one time or another. For the lucky ones, it can be a wonderful experience to finally find a comfortable place to be. But each of us will go through these times in our lives at different paces. I believe the more you feel comfortable with being out, what that may mean to you could be anything. For some of the girls out there, this can be a emotional journey at times. Some may turn to isolation from society. At times in life you may have been witness to the cruel ways some people can be. Rejection from society can make one also want to go into isolation. Away from everyone and giving yourself some time to meditate. You must get to a point where you're not afraid to be comfortable with yourself. Take some time to look at yourself and your life. Sometimes self acceptance takes some time, but as you mature at your true nature, you gain the life experience that will carry you into the future.

Many of the un-educated in our society refuse to look at any of the research that seems to show that there are other reasons that transsexuals feel the way that they do. They will tell us that this is a CHOICE! You got to be kidding me. Who in their right mind would ever want to go through what many transsexuals go through just to keep our heads above the water. There is belittlement from our families, friends and society as a whole. It makes perfect since why so many TS’s prefer to stay in stealth mode all their lives. It’s sad that people can’t just accept the fact that this is not a choice and it was meant to be, even before we were born. The parents seem to blame themselves, but they don’t have to. They don’t need to feel guilty over what their child is going through. There was nothing that they or anybody else could have done to prevent this from happening. Nature will take its own course and that is just life. We all have to deal with it, the TS person, their families and many of their friends. In my option, the only ones that should feel guilty about anything are the bigoted ones, but not for the way they raised them. For not only ignoring science but also for not giving their child the love that they so deserve.

Ok, take away all the research and any scientific data. Why would a transsexual feel they would have to transition to become the opposite gender. Well, let me ask you this. Are you happy and content with your body as you are today? Your answer will probably be yes. Now imagine that suddenly you had the body of the opposite sex. You where expected to act a certain way, if you didn’t you were punished. Everyone treated you as you looked and expected nothing more or less from you. When you look in the mirror, you do not like what you see because that is not you. Deep inside you know how your body is supposed to be, but you see something totally opposite. You are treated differently from what you expect because people she the opposite of what you feel inside. You feel like nothing is right, you can’t be yourself. You feel like the weird one in the group. You are forced to be someone that you become to hate, a shell of a person. What do you do? Well, the same can be said about a transsexual. The TS person feels that their body does not match what the brain tells them that is the truth. They are tortured throughout their lives with the fact that their bodies don’t reflect the true person inside. Many times in their lives they are tempted to tell someone, anyone. But they are scared to be rejected for who they really are. Many keep that fear of rejection hidden until they can’t take it anymore, many times later in life after they have married and had children. Whenever it happens, there usually comes of time when the TS person must come out or they feel that they will die from depression. The depression of not being their true self’s all your life. Society puts so much pressure on an individual to conform to the stereotypes set forth at their birth, the pressure to conform can be tremendous.

I believe that personal acceptance can be the hardest for the transsexual at times. I had some problems at times with this. I've gone through many years of indecision to get where I am today. But it didn’t come easy. The years of denial, the years of fear and the years of wanting to believe that I was something I was not can take a toll on a person. It was not until I gained some education on the subject that I began to see I was not the only one out there that felt this way. Seeing others struggling through life as I had let me know I was not crazy. It took me several years before I truly accepted who I was and what I needed to do to be happy.

Family acceptance is another we hope to have in our life's. I spent most of my life afraid to tell my parents about me being a transsexual. When I finally did tell them I was 30 year old, and getting overwhelmed with my life. My mother seemed to be very supportive, and my dad didn't seem to care to much either way. It was really surprising that I also got the support of my brothers also, one of whom now calls me his sister. I have not seen them much in last 10 years but we have been in contact over the phone and have had many long talks. I also have been given some support with my two kids. They are great kids and I love them very much. I was not able to tell my kids about me being transgendered at first. Within the last 8 year I have talked to my kids about me being transsexual and they seemed to be opened minded about it. It has also been a surprised to see my wife starting to support my needs. She is starting to open up to the idea that a transsexual can honor their needs without losing the sentimental moments.
The acceptance of family can be a life line to your soul. Many of my brothers and sisters have lost family in the process of coming out. It can be devastating to someone, especially if they have always been close to their loved ones. So many of those who lose their families are due to the pressures of society, even their religion. I find it sad that many of those people can’t or refuse to see the happiness and pure joy in their loved ones eyes as they go through this journey of enlightenment. An enlightenment that brings out a better person. In many cases a person who is able to truly love another without fear. A person who has opened there heart to others and willing to show the authentic person.

So what do we do? Hide from the society and never become our true self’s and achieve our god given happiness in life. Or do we strive to prove society wrong and show them that we were meant to be who we are and live a life that was meant for us. The answer lies within all of us for each one of us is different and can take so much from society. There are those that won’t survive either because of the hate will finally cause so much strife in the their life that they feel they need to end it all, and others will be able to persevere through all the hate and succeed in life and live their lives complete and happy. I have been on both sides of the fence. I’ve let the fear keep me down and hidden, but that didn’t get me anywhere that made me happy. So those terrible thoughts would rise in all its fiery glory. I have also been lucky to make it over that hump and now look for that happiness that so many of us look for. We all have so much to live for and I’ve slowly come to see that. So I’m making strides to change my life for a better place in life. I also truly believe that it will also make me a better person as a whole so I may be a better parent and spouse.

In closing I’d like to share an excerpt of a poem I wrote about a year ago:

Why am I angry
I look into people eyes
I get back intolerance
If looks could kill
It would be a death sentence

Why am I angry
If people would just try and understand
And take my place in this great land
They would finally see
I'm no different than them

I have a kind heart
That gets all torn apart
When they try and condemn
For if they could let go
Even they could live free

Maybe one day
I'll find acceptance
For my life as it is
Seeking life's essence
And finally find my way
To the place that's peaceful
With pleasant morning rays

Coming Out, Why?

This was a question that was posed to me the other day. Why do you feel the need to come out? So I’d like to pose the same question to you all who have come out to others either in your family or at work.

The question for me was mainly associated with work. I first came out to my family (mom and brothers) about 15 years ago. At the time I told them that I was not sure where this journey was going to take me. I also told them that I would have to take some time to figure all these feeling out within myself to really know what the future would hold for me. About the same time I came out to my wife with very mixed emotions about do so. The GID had finally gotten to a point that I felt I could not hold it from her anymore. All those years of knowing I was a women, at the same time feeling I had hide it from everyone because of the body I was given at birth. For the next 10 years or so I kept it within the family.
I guess at the time I hid it well, because she didn’t expect those words to come out of my mouth, I’m transgender.

Well, to say it went over well would be a lie. It didn’t go over well at all. We soon began to have problems within the relationship (she couldn’t separate her religion from the fact I was transsexual), and to make a long story short we separated for about 7 years. She thought the devil got a hold of me. I knew that was not the case. She thought I could just forget about it all and we could go on living the life we were living. I couldn’t do it anymore. I thought many times to myself, “was it worth it to come out to her?”. When I would ask myself that question, many times I would answer, No! I thought I lost the one person that knew me better than anyone else in this world. The only problem was she didn’t know me completely. She just got to know the shell of the person that I let out. It was nowhere near the full person I was. And that went for everyone else also. No one really knew what made me tick. What my true passions in life really were. They only knew one side of me.

During the time we were separated we had many one on one talks with each other. Many focused on what I was feeling and why I felt the way I did. During this time I also had time to discover what it really meant to me to be trans for me. As I came to accept myself for who I was, I slowly saw my wife change also. She began to ease up on the religious beliefs (No, she is not walking away from her religion, she is still a strong Catholic). I believe she finally believed that this was a condition I was born with and came to accept it. Well, a little over a year ago we decided to get back together (knowing my desire to transition) and we have been doing pretty good.

To answer the question, Was it worth coming out to her? Yes and No. It was terribly hard to miss out on the 7 years that we missed out on the time we were separated. But without this time, I truly don’t think that we would have gotten as close as we are today. And I also feel that she would not have gotten the time to think it out for herself. I do wish things could have been different, but it all worked out in the end for both of us. Who knows what the future has in store for us.

Ok, Michelle. What’s the point of the story? For one, it showed me that minds can change with the right. What do all this have to do with the title of this blog? Well, I was asked by a co-work this same question. She was the first one I came out to. She began to question my motives for coming out to people at work, stating “If I get pregnant, I’m not going to go telling the everyone at work, it’s my business and no one else’s.” She also tells me that she know these people, and a lot will not take it well. Sure, I don’t want to loose my job. At the same time, I have not been fired and I started coming out over a year ago. Yes, One person I came out to lost her mind and began to spread false rumors that I was suicidal (she claimed to have done a suicidal assessment of me without my knowledge), and even took it to the owner of the business and I’m still here. Does this mean I won’t be fired down the road as I get closer to gong fulltime. Who knows. They have hired two other trans people I know of (never met them though) and one still works there, the other quit. The point is, I’m so tired of playing this she raid. I’m not ashamed of who I am either. I can finally honestly say that and it feels good.

My co-worker questioned why I felt compelled to tell people that I’m transsexual. Is it for acceptance? Well, If it was only for acceptance I think I could possibly get more acceptance by not telling anyone and going on with my life the way it was before. This has not worked for me at all. All it made me was a bitter person. Bitter for letting others control my life. Bitter at others for allowing there predigests control my fears. Bitterness toward myself for allowing all the above. I spent ALL my life to this point looking for acceptance from others. Doing everything I could to be accepted somewhere in society. From putting up masked to hide the true person I was so that no one would laugh at me. Hiding the fact I felt like a women, just to fit in some were. It never worked. Ok sure, I found places to fit in, but the point is I was not being authentic to my true self. They accepted the facade, nothing else because they knew of nothing else. I didn’t feel whole. I was always on guard that I would slip and let it out and everything I built up around me would come crashing down. Not a happy place to be at all.

So Why? Because I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of not being true to myself. I want to be authentic to my soul and live my life authentically. Is that so bad? Going full time will not happen for at least another year, but in the mean time I can be true to myself. If people can’t accept that, then they will not be friends of mine. If they do, then more power to them. At least we can build a friendship on honesty and trust that will go a lot longer than one in lies. Is that so bad? I also know that without coming out, no one will learn anything new about our community. I have been trying my best to educate someone new, one person at a time. Maybe, just maybe, that will make the transition to full time that much easier for everyone involved and maybe the next person that steps in our doors.

My Sister: Jan. 11, 2009

I was brought up in family of 3(really only 2) boys, me being the oldest. I remember holding my brothers in my arms when they were born. I helped my mom take care of them many times as children. In those young years I felt as I was their older sister. I was gentle and calm. As I got older I felt things changing around me, but something inside was not. I still felt like I was their sister (a girl), but the world around me started to demand that I was something else. Something that I did not want to be, a boy. It felt all wrong, but the power of the binary is strong, and trying to go anywhere outside that binary, you are ostracized for trying to be who you are. So I held it in. Throughout our life, my brothers and I have been through some not so great times (actually some Crappy TIMES), but we seemed to have survived everything that life put in front of us. I always wondered if this binary thing would cause tension in my family or not. As a kid, I was to scared to find out. I guess I had many chances to tell my brothers, something always held me back to telling. Be it fear, or not sure how to best explain how I felt. As I got older I felt the clamps of that gender binary claw its way into my life. To protect myself I built this barrier around me. This male barrier shielded my feminine voice from speaking, I felt as if I was trapped in a cage. A cage that had no locks, but thunder would roar once the door was opened.

That was many years ago. Even though I longed to be called their sister. The knowledge of knowing that I was there, they just couldn’t see it yet. You see I build that gender binary shield pretty good. Well sort of. As the years rolled by the strength of the Gender Binary weakened, but the long effects of testosterone has taken its toll. I would not know tell I was older how It would awakened new possibilities in my life.
So what has become of a quite little girl stuck in her room her whole life. The little girl who used to look out her window up in the sky and wonder will I ever be who I’m supposed to be. Nobody really knows her, they’ve only seen the shell of the true person inside. No one saw the passion and joy from the inside, only seeing the shy person I became. As I came out to my family I was terrified that something would get lost between our family. But as I told each of my brothers, my mother, then my dad. I became stronger in my conviction to do what needs to be done as I told them how I was feeling. It took some time for things to sink in, but I have also been taking things pretty slow lately. This year will be even more changes
What brought all this on, was a unexpected comment from my brother to my blog "A Sons Perspective":

That was an extremely well constructed verse on how a young man feels enlightened by a parents wish to become a complete person. I admire you also, Michelle, your reality has been hidden for to long. I welcome you to a shared reality by which I to am proud to call you my sister.

We have had several chats over the years about the trans issues and things seemed as if they were cool. But to be honest I was not quite expecting his response. You know how long I’ve been waiting to hear that! ? For a long time! Lol. It is short, it is sweet. But in those few words I was filled with such emotional joy I had to sit. As I sat there, I thought about what I just read. "My Sister". OMG, I read it again after clearing my eyes from morning slumber. I wanted to scream with joy, but didn’t want to wake anyone up, lol. I took a deep breath and was overcome with this emotional release as I stood looking out the back window, it freed some of the barriers I preserved. I realized in that moment how much those two words meant to me. "My Sister". There is so many thoughts rolling around my head, but I must thank you from the bottom of my heart for you support. Having family back me means a lot to me because I never wanted to lose the ones I grew up with. That meant so much to me. We were there for each other in the hard times and the good. Its an experience to feel these firsts in my progression to be true to my reality. And each of these firsts adds to the strength I didn’t think I had, to move forward and live my reality. As I move forward in my journey I will be taking a lot from my sons letter and my brothers comments to heart. The knowledge that my son is strong in his convictions and yet he is even tempered and very thoughtful person. I’ve seen him stop many times to go help out his grandfather, or one of his aunts. He does have a compassionate heart for his family and friends. I admire his strength. To my brother, I Love You. I’ve always admired you also. You were always yourself. You were loud and let everyone know your option. I always thought if I could just be like you and just tell everyone, maybe things would have changed a long time ago. But to be honest, I couldn’t change then because I was not ready. I am ready know, more than ever.
On a closing note. Quoting my son:

Personally, I would rather be proud and shout out for who I am, than desperately be trying to live a life for who I am not. And I feel like you would agree with this, and I hope that someday I will have as much courage as you do.

I do agree with this. I’ve become more proud of who I am every day. The more I do, the more strength I gain. I think you do have the courage, it’s in you. You must always be true to yourself. Never let anyone hide your voice. Be heard! For me, being locked into the binary has brought me both pain and joy. The pain of living a life in a shell, but many joyful moments I’ve found down this path. The family being the most important. I’m letting my voice be heard now, and that will never change from this day forward. I’m proud of who I am, and will live true to my reality. I know this year is going to be some of the biggest changes so far (well, except for breast), I expect several more changes by this time next year. So I look forward to what 2009 brings. I have more positive changes planned I’ll fill you in on as the year roll along. ? To all my friends out there, take my son advice "Be proud and shout out for who you are". In this way our voices and hearts can be heard. Let them see the beauty within. The binary can be broken, I prefer to think of it as expanding the binary. As my friend Lori always says "live. Authentically". I hope everyone has a great year.
Hugs Michelle

Testosterone Poisoning and Sexual Desires

Note: I didn’t coin the term testosterone poisoning. I had read an letter from Donna Roses sister in which she referred to Donna as having testosterone poisoning. Actually a nice read. Everyone should have a sister like her.

I decided to write something a little lighter this evening. I’ve been thinking the last few days about a few ways I’ve changed since I started to transition and how I have been poisoned with testosterone all my life. Once we are born (even before) testosterone is waging a war on our body and doing things to it that most MTF dread. It’s most apparent when we hit the teen years as this seems to be the time testosterone really kicks in and does the most damage to our bodies (In a MTF case). It seems the facial feature become more prominent, among other things. The sexual desires are brought on around that time. I hated this period of my life the most. Before than I was dealing with what I saw in the mirror and what my brain was telling me I should be seeing. When puberty hit my dislike for my body changed quite a bit. It seemed that the testosterone had a mind of its own and it drove my private’s nuts (pun intended, lol). There were just too many times that I would not be thinking of anything sexual at all, and things down (PG Rating) there would just take off. I HATED IT. I hated having what was given me and I hated not having that much control over it. Damn testosterone. On top of that, when I did start to be sexually active, I found that the relief I got was good, but that’s all it seemed to be. Just a relief. At least until the testosterone started in again. I never actually enjoyed it much. It was more about just relieving the tension that built up and nothing more.

What I really desired was being intimate and passionate with someone and not this one, two, three and your done stuff. I wanted to hold, caress and touch my partner and just enjoy the pleasure of the moment or hours in each other’s arms. Anytime I would try these things testosterone would take over and it seemed to want to take a different route, uggg. When I got married I thought maybe some of that could change for the better. After all, this was someone I could be intimate and find romance in things we did and I figured I would enjoy it more. Well I did up to a point. Until the point was intercourse would commence. It seemed like something was still missing but I never could put my finger on it except to blame it on testosterone again.

Things started to change for me once I started HRT. As any of you know, once you start HRT the affects of estrogen and Spiro drive your sexual desires down. Although many may complain about that side affect it was such a relief to me to be honest. I was able to take my time and better enjoy being intimate with my wife. It did make the actual act of intercourse more difficult, but I found ways to still enjoy it and still make my wife satisfied. Even though I’ve always wanted other parts down there, it finally got to a point I could at least tolerate the discomfort I felt toward the privates I was given and still enjoy being sensual with my wife. I’ve also noticed that orgasms are much different. Due to the effects of the HRT, there is no output on completion, but a much deeper since of pleasure when I do orgasm. I actually feel a little more satisfied then I used to (remember before it was just a relief, no satisfaction). I hope to even feel more satisfaction after SRS (when ever that may happen, ugg). But how knows it may not be, but to be honest, I won’t be totally disappointed if it’s not. I’ve waited so long (over 30 years) to rid myself of this poison, it would be a pleasure to finally get rid of it forever. After all, since being on HRT I haven’t had a major desire to have sex and believe it or not, it’s a good feeling. Of course I still love being intimate with my wife and will always, but without the testosterone I can finally enjoy it.

What has been you experiences? I’d be interested to know. Does any of this make since to you? Am I the only one that has felt this way? Humm...

What the heck are we doing?

Hi Everyone,
This week has been an up and down week for me. It seems even with history being made in the election of a new President, which I though would bring more hope to a lot of the nation (except for the one's who voted for McCain), it seems to have also started more divisiveness within the LGBT community (at least within the blogging world), which is sad. I've never really been the one to like to talk much about politics because it always brings out the worst in some people (which is another sad fact). I recently came across a few blogs on The Bilerico Project which seem to want to blame the blacks for loosing to the Prop 8 proponents. Well, I myself will not go there. I've seen number that suggest that the blame is not on the black community itself, as many are suggestioning. I'm sure that the proponents of Prop 8 are sitting around laughing at us as our communitity begins this infighting, which I sure they hope will tear us apart. I do not what that to happen as the right to marry should be for anyone of age. Cindy Rizzo a guest blogger made what I thought were lagitimate suggestion to get our rights back in California, Arizona and any other state that gets attacked by such crap. Here is my response to her blog and the comments she recieved:
Hi Cindy,
I'm a transsexual who recently found this blog. I'm also currently married to a Asian women who has given me her support for my transition. This support did not come easy, but with time and a lot of discussion between us we have come a long way. You may say why is any of this relevant. She come's from a very strong catholic background and without taking the time I did (almost 10 years, mind you not every day) to educate her on my plight I don't think I would have gotten her support. If I would have taken the route as some here are suggesting "In Your face, you will do what I say or else" I'm sure I would not gotten anywhere with her. It seems some here want to force there view of the nay sayers. How is that any better than what the political supporters of Prop 8 did and are doing. If we want to build more support for equal rights for all, then we need to better educate the public. It will be a hard fight, because the religious orgs do have a strong foot hold in many of the communities that we need support from. Am I upset, YES I am. But to me, just sitting her blaming the Blacks, Latinos or any other group with out even trying to have a intelligent dialog, I assure you will not get us anywhere. Education will be the key to our success and I believe Cindy has some valid points. We do have to strengthen our support with our allies and try to build up dialog between the ones that are apposed. If we can't do at least that, I'm almost positive that we will not ever see any positive change for the future and it could even get worse by other states overturning the right to marry. I have a stake in this too as a transwomen, when I change the sex on my legal documents, they could have easly take away my right to stay married to my wife or any other women. People, lets join together and at least start taking a look at what didn't work this time and correct those issues and do some proper education. Thank you all for you time.

I'll take it even further. Sometimes people have to meet in the middle, now I didn't see any of the ads supporting Prop 8 (I live in NY), but I'm sure not everything was true in there ads. What I mean by meeting in the middle is that we push for the right to marry, but not try and force a Religious orinization to do the surimonies unless they do support the right for the LGBT communities to marry who they like. There are other palces to get married other than a Church, such as the court house, ect. The right to marry should be a fundimental right to all and not a select few, so I would not bend on that one, but I'm sure you see what I'm talking about.

Will we ever see the rights returned (specially after they seemed to be stollen from the people of California), I hope so. There are some blogs I've seen that suggest that they can be overturned because they are not constitional. I really hope that they are overturn, because I really feel they we have been burned by the religoius right and many other orgs that supported prop 8.

As I said in my reply to the original blog, I really feel that more education in the Black, Latino, Asian, hell in EVERY community is really needed. Things are better than they where 20 years ago, but they can get alot better. If we continue to only attack the nay sayers and not aproach them with inteligence and dignity, what do you expect to get back? The SAME attacks and that will not get us anywhere. I hope we do have a better future with Obama for EVERYONE.
Hugs Michelle Lee

A message to the haters

Dear Friends, Family and haters,

Not too long ago out of the blue I started getting hate mail from a few people (about the time I was outed at work) calling me childish names, calling me selfish and a asshole. I debated for a while if I should reply to the crap and I finally decided the other day to replied to their messages and comments on my Vblog and elsewhere. Of course my reply was met with a canceled email id, which seemed to mean to me that they just created the id to slam me and then run away from the issue, which didn’t surprise me at all. I have a challenge to these people, If you’re so disgusted with what I’m doing with me life (I don’t know why you even care) why hide behind a fake email. Be honest and reveal your true self as I have. I have been honest and upfront in all my blogs and vblogs and I’m not hiding anymore, so why should you hide behind your little screen name. Are you afraid I may have something to say that may make since to you. I’ve come out to my family and close friends and many at work. I refuse to let anyone outside my family dictate how to run my life. Since I have the support of my family in this decision, that is all that matters. Even if I didn’t have their support, if I decided to still continue with my transition it is my decision and my decision alone.

I also wonder what their fascination is with my privates. It seems that most of the haters seem to bring this up. I don’t understand why they always ask the STUPID question "Are you going to cut your d#$% off". Of course in a hateful way. First off, If and when I’m ready for the SRS, these people would be the last to find out, because this is a personal issue and I’ll make that decision when I’m ready. Besides, IT’S NONE OF YOUR FRIGGIN BUISNISESS ?

As noted in my original reply, I have been diagnosed with a legitimate medical condition called GID (Gender Identity Disorder). There are millions of people around the world that were born with this condition but a majority of them just never tell anyone. I was one of those people many years ago. But I can’t keep it in the closet no more. I’m tired of hiding my condition and I refuse to let anyone try and stop me from doing what I need to do to treat the condition. I have suffered from it long enough and for once in my life I know that this is the right path for me. So in closing, Yes I’m a transsexual and I’m proud of that fact. I was born this way and will always be a transsexual. I will move forward with my transition and finally live my life as it should have been in the first place. You may call me selfish, but let me ask you this, How is it selfish to want to be true to one self and be the person I know myself to be?

Here is my original reply that couldn’t be delivered:
I'm not sure what your problem is with me, but I can assure you that I'm not the one with any problems with my decision to transition. I know for sure that this is the path I need to take. It seems to me that you are the one with issues. Maybe you should be the one to see the shrink and figure out why me being transsexual makes you so insecure. I have a legitimate medical condition (biological) . Do the research yourself or are you to lazy minded to even do that. If you or anyone else can't handle the truth then don't waste my time with your childish name calling games. I have the support of my family and friends and that's all that matters to me. I really don't care what you think and nothing you or anyone else says will change my decision to transition. Have a great day :)
Michelle

Why does this have to be so hard?: April 11, 2008

I’ve asked that of myself many times in my lifetime. And as I meet others that have traveled down (or starting their travels) this road, I also see them struggle to gain what they have dreamed of all their lives. Do we make it harder than it has to be? I have to wondered sometimes. There are times when I feel like I’m on top of the world, but out of nowhere something happens, or something is said that knocks me down a few levels. There is so many thoughts and emotions going through my head right now, I hope I can contain them all while I’m writing.

I was touched the other day when I watched Lori D’s latest Vblog. I sat there a cried with her, I couldn’t believe it hit me so, but it did. It just got me thinking and asking myself why it is so hard to live this life. Why can’t we just live our lives as the person we believe our selves to be and not be afraid of what others may say or do to us. Most of the stuff I can take, but there are still things that concern me such as the violence many of our brothers and sister have had to go through just because they tried to live their life as themselves.

I seem to be at a cross road right now, and find that it is getting to hard to contain these feelings anymore. It’s getting to the point that I’ve just about blurted it out at work that I’m transsexual. I see others that are out and living their lives as women and it just makes me want it even more. I’m not ready to go fulltime, at least I don’t think I am. But I still find myself ready to jump to that level before I think I’m ready. What is happening to me? I know who I am, but no one else really knows anything about who I really am and what makes me tick. There is very few that get close, but even they may not realize that there is a lot more to me than what they have seen. For example, Steph has seen me dressed and it didn’t seem to bother her, at least on the outside. But she has not had a chance to really get to know Michelle. The things I’ve wanted all my life. We have talked many times about transition and going fulltime, but I wonder sometimes if she really understands what that would mean for her and what it would do to our relationship, if anything. I’ve shared many things with her over the years and she has still been open with anything I’ve talked about so far, except SRS. I think that makes her nervous. She made a comment the other day that she worries that some of the things I’ve talked about (SRS, I guess any of the surgeries) make her uncomfortable. She worries that something may happen and that I could be disfigured for life. Sometimes I feel like I’ve standing at a cross road, just waiting to cross the road, but afraid of what the other side might bring to the table. Beside just getting across the road, there seems to be some obstacles that may come down either the left or right side and side swipe me into the gutter. My mother always said to look left and right before crossing the road, but I’ve been standing there for so long that I’m not sure how to proceed.

I’ve spent the last 2 months by myself and it gave me even more time to reflect on my life and really look at what I feel I need to do. But like Lori, during this time I found it even more confirming that this is the real me and the person that I seem to be during the day (the husband, father and male worker) have been the masks that just got me by in life. But I have not been true to myself or anyone else and I’m getting so tired of this duality that its making it even more difficult to get by each day. Yes Lori, why does this have to be so hard? I know part of it is how society looks at transsexuals. Yes I’ve got the laughs and the snickers, and little do a lot of these people know that those snickers do hurt. What, we have to develop a heart of stone just to survive as TS! I don’t think that is right, and I don’t want to be that way anymore. I’ve spent too many years with a heart of stone. Letting a VERY select few get past or even nudge the stone to the side. I want to be able to feel all my emotions freely and not have to keep them tucked away for only me to see and feel. Yes it can be hard to deal with society as a TS, but I’m finding it so much harder to not deal with it and keep it to myself.

Lori, you have it so right that we need to stick together and give each other a hand. This life can be difficult at times with all the discoveries we have to go through to even get to a point of self acceptance. So many of us (including me) have had to deal the confusion (Why do I feel this way?), what the teen years due to the body, the self doubt and the guilt of hiding these things all through your life. But there are many wonderful things that can happen also during this time. If you can give yourself a chance to see those things, but they sometimes get smothered by all the doubts that I carried with me all these years. One of the biggest things that has changed in me was when I finally accept me for me and not that shell of a person I have always been. There has been several other discoveries I’ve made over the years that have brought me to where I am today. I think that while we all have so much in common, we can help each other in so many ways. I hope that everyone (Lori, you can always call me) can find a support network to help them through their journey. It can do wonders for both you and the supporter, so reach out.

I hope that you all find happiness in your life.
Hugs Michelle Lee

How to handle the question of religion?:April 14, 2008

Well, this past Saturday the Trans/Partner group that I’ve been attending had another meeting, and we were out all day shopping for a dress for my daughter. And I suggested that we go after doing some shopping. I went to the Transgender T Project (trans photo project) committee meeting before the regular meeting and my daughter joined later for the regular meeting. She showed up on time and I felt great having them there as I wanted to introduce her to a few friends of mine. It was great, Steph did her best to use the proper pronouns. What was great about that was I never asked her to, she took it a pond herself to do this J . I was feeling great at that point, and an ½ hour into the meeting the partners split up and went to another room for their own meeting. Well, we had a nice meeting and when they came back I noticed that Steph had a tissue in her hand rolled up (looked like it was used). I meant to ask her about it on the way home, but we got talking about other things and it slipped my mind until we got ready for bed. I asked her if everything was alright today at the meeting and she said it was, but she did cry a little. She asked how to handle the trans issues and her religion. She was brought up in a Catholic house and had always been very close to god, and I believe this had caused her a lot of issues in the beginning. She said that she asked how to handle this because she believed the bible says that being trans, gay or lesbian was not right. I forgot what she said the group told her, but I tried to explain how I felt about it. I told her that I felt that me being transsexual could not be a sin since I have felt this way since I was so young and that I felt I was born this way. I went on to explain how there are many birth defects (not sure if I feel comfortable calling it a birth defect, but it will do for now) in life and I could not see how god could turn his head on someone that had one. I used intersexed individuals as one example, and went on to explain what that meant (to make sure she understood).

We talked last night tell 2am about all this. She still seems to be behind me, but I was wondering if anyone has had to deal with the question of religion and being trans with anyone and how they have dealt with it and explained it to the other person. I guess I am just looking for some advice for the future, in case the subject comes up again as it may when I begin to come out to her cousins and aunts. It looks to me like she has gotten past that question, but I thought if I could reassure her in some other way it may help her along even more. Please help with that question, any advice would be appreciated.

I also talked with my daughter some more today and asked her if she has talked to any of her friends about the trans issues. I heard a rumor she was afraid I didn’t want her to tell any of her friends. She told me so far she has only talked to her boyfriend (gee whiz that sound so weird to hear me saying boyfriend when I talk about my daughter, lol). He was ok with it as he knew of several trans kids in his school. I thought that was awesome, because I have been trying to hide my chest when he has been over, lol. Sine I didn’t know she talked to him and as ok with it, I didn’t want to disturb their relationship until she was ready. I was glad to hear that she talked to him about it. I also told her that if she felt she wanted to talk to any of her other friends about it, that I didn’t mind and I’d rather her talk to someone (if not me) then keep it all inside. It’s good to talk about these issues. A few years ago, I think I would have told her not to say anything, but I believe I’m ready to step out of my comfort zone now and start reaching out to others and hope that they will learn something and try to make it a positive experience for them.

Well its been an interesting week with the move and all the talks I’ve had with Vicky and Stephanie. I’m just glad to be home and I hope the positive things keep happening between us. Well, I’ll close for now, I hope you all have a great week. I hope to do another Vblog soon, so keep an eye out ;).

Hugs Michelle

Doing my part for the community. Please see the following if you live in the Tri-State New York area:

The Loft LGBT Community Services center is overseeing a multi-media exhibit called ‘The T Project’ that seeks to answer the question of who comprises the “T” in the LGBT Community. By utilizing photographs, written word and video, we are setting out to counter the media’s often lurid and sensationalist portrayals of transgender individuals. ‘The T Project’ will present framed black-and-white photos of transgender individuals in various forms of mainstream life – with parents, spouses/partners, children, at work, in religious service, etc., - with accompanying testimonials from family members, friends, employers, etc. it is our hope to show the communities we live in just who we really are – their neighbors, co-workers, students and teachers, friends and family.

With a scheduled September, 2008 roll-out, the exhibit will then travel to a number of highly visible trans/LGBT friendly venues in Westchester Co and neighboring counties, residing for public viewing at various locales before moving on to it next destination. Initially the project is slated to run through the end of the calendar year, although that may change according to need.

We are currently seeking participants who would be comfortable participating in such a project and could contribute an accompanying written piece, and photographers willing to work within the project’s framework. (Please note: The T Project has no monetary-compensation component, although all photographers will receive public credit for their work.) Subjects under the age of 18 would require to have a legal guardian sign a photo release form as provided be the Loft.

Please feel free to contact Stephanie Bonvissuto or Ms. Shelly Abbott, head of the Creation committee, via The Loft’s Helpline at 914-948-4922 x14, or at tphotoproject@gmail.com, for official criteria guidelines, or with any questions you may have.

Thank you for you consideration. Together, we can make a difference. Together, we will be seen and heard.