Sunday, November 30, 2008

Testosterone Poisoning and Sexual Desires

Note: I didn’t coin the term testosterone poisoning. I had read an letter from Donna Roses sister in which she referred to Donna as having testosterone poisoning. Actually a nice read. Everyone should have a sister like her.

I decided to write something a little lighter this evening. I’ve been thinking the last few days about a few ways I’ve changed since I started to transition and how I have been poisoned with testosterone all my life. Once we are born (even before) testosterone is waging a war on our body and doing things to it that most MTF dread. It’s most apparent when we hit the teen years as this seems to be the time testosterone really kicks in and does the most damage to our bodies (In a MTF case). It seems the facial feature become more prominent, among other things. The sexual desires are brought on around that time. I hated this period of my life the most. Before than I was dealing with what I saw in the mirror and what my brain was telling me I should be seeing. When puberty hit my dislike for my body changed quite a bit. It seemed that the testosterone had a mind of its own and it drove my private’s nuts (pun intended, lol). There were just too many times that I would not be thinking of anything sexual at all, and things down (PG Rating) there would just take off. I HATED IT. I hated having what was given me and I hated not having that much control over it. Damn testosterone. On top of that, when I did start to be sexually active, I found that the relief I got was good, but that’s all it seemed to be. Just a relief. At least until the testosterone started in again. I never actually enjoyed it much. It was more about just relieving the tension that built up and nothing more.

What I really desired was being intimate and passionate with someone and not this one, two, three and your done stuff. I wanted to hold, caress and touch my partner and just enjoy the pleasure of the moment or hours in each other’s arms. Anytime I would try these things testosterone would take over and it seemed to want to take a different route, uggg. When I got married I thought maybe some of that could change for the better. After all, this was someone I could be intimate and find romance in things we did and I figured I would enjoy it more. Well I did up to a point. Until the point was intercourse would commence. It seemed like something was still missing but I never could put my finger on it except to blame it on testosterone again.

Things started to change for me once I started HRT. As any of you know, once you start HRT the affects of estrogen and Spiro drive your sexual desires down. Although many may complain about that side affect it was such a relief to me to be honest. I was able to take my time and better enjoy being intimate with my wife. It did make the actual act of intercourse more difficult, but I found ways to still enjoy it and still make my wife satisfied. Even though I’ve always wanted other parts down there, it finally got to a point I could at least tolerate the discomfort I felt toward the privates I was given and still enjoy being sensual with my wife. I’ve also noticed that orgasms are much different. Due to the effects of the HRT, there is no output on completion, but a much deeper since of pleasure when I do orgasm. I actually feel a little more satisfied then I used to (remember before it was just a relief, no satisfaction). I hope to even feel more satisfaction after SRS (when ever that may happen, ugg). But how knows it may not be, but to be honest, I won’t be totally disappointed if it’s not. I’ve waited so long (over 30 years) to rid myself of this poison, it would be a pleasure to finally get rid of it forever. After all, since being on HRT I haven’t had a major desire to have sex and believe it or not, it’s a good feeling. Of course I still love being intimate with my wife and will always, but without the testosterone I can finally enjoy it.

What has been you experiences? I’d be interested to know. Does any of this make since to you? Am I the only one that has felt this way? Humm...


S Scott Whitaker said...

Hey sister, yeah I feel this too. Like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers said once..."there's a demon in my semen." I'm a CD, out to my wife (painfully and unresolved but out there, at least) and possibly very trans...I find that when I connect to my feminine side I feel my body more, my whole being. In boy mode I'm so in my head i don't "feel" my body unless testosterone kicks in, of course. My shrink thinks this body dysphoria is different from gender dysphoria, and I tend to agree with her

Lori D said...

Well , since the T poison has been taken away, and since I'm much more feminized, even my wife has noticed that things are different..decidedly female when things are sparking.

But back to the Sister's perspective...I never read that before but was touched. I shared it with my own sister and will wait to see how she feels about me.

Lynn Tooley said...

I grew up with severe tourette syndrome which continued into adaulthood, it was so bad I tried to commit suicide to end the pain. My doctor treated me with spironolactone an anti-androgen, and the tourette syndrome almost disappeared. When I got my lab results back I had sky high testosterone even being on meds and then they added avodart to bring the testosterone levels to female range.

Now I am soo much calmer with much more pleasant moods.


Lynn said...

I had severe tourette syndrome and after a doctor put me on anti-androgens, my tourette syndrome almost disappeared. Everyone says I am soo much more pleasant to be around.


Christina said...

Testosterone poisoning? Definitely. I am a different person emotionally because the T monster is gone. Comparing my past with my present shows a great variance because of HRT.

I don't know what an orgasm is like since I have been on HRT, as I haven't had an orgasm for more than a year.

However, I respond very differently to intimate stroking and touching, as my back, my head, my legs respond almost immediately. I told my partner (who is TG) that I am a lot like a cat. Yes, I stretch, I purr. Seriously - it's almost funny as I am quite vocal. What doesn't respond is what I want to get removed. That says a lot by itself.