Testosterone Poisoning and Sexual Desires

Note: I didn’t coin the term testosterone poisoning. I had read an letter from Donna Roses sister in which she referred to Donna as having testosterone poisoning. Actually a nice read. Everyone should have a sister like her.

I decided to write something a little lighter this evening. I’ve been thinking the last few days about a few ways I’ve changed since I started to transition and how I have been poisoned with testosterone all my life. Once we are born (even before) testosterone is waging a war on our body and doing things to it that most MTF dread. It’s most apparent when we hit the teen years as this seems to be the time testosterone really kicks in and does the most damage to our bodies (In a MTF case). It seems the facial feature become more prominent, among other things. The sexual desires are brought on around that time. I hated this period of my life the most. Before than I was dealing with what I saw in the mirror and what my brain was telling me I should be seeing. When puberty hit my dislike for my body changed quite a bit. It seemed that the testosterone had a mind of its own and it drove my private’s nuts (pun intended, lol). There were just too many times that I would not be thinking of anything sexual at all, and things down (PG Rating) there would just take off. I HATED IT. I hated having what was given me and I hated not having that much control over it. Damn testosterone. On top of that, when I did start to be sexually active, I found that the relief I got was good, but that’s all it seemed to be. Just a relief. At least until the testosterone started in again. I never actually enjoyed it much. It was more about just relieving the tension that built up and nothing more.

What I really desired was being intimate and passionate with someone and not this one, two, three and your done stuff. I wanted to hold, caress and touch my partner and just enjoy the pleasure of the moment or hours in each other’s arms. Anytime I would try these things testosterone would take over and it seemed to want to take a different route, uggg. When I got married I thought maybe some of that could change for the better. After all, this was someone I could be intimate and find romance in things we did and I figured I would enjoy it more. Well I did up to a point. Until the point was intercourse would commence. It seemed like something was still missing but I never could put my finger on it except to blame it on testosterone again.

Things started to change for me once I started HRT. As any of you know, once you start HRT the affects of estrogen and Spiro drive your sexual desires down. Although many may complain about that side affect it was such a relief to me to be honest. I was able to take my time and better enjoy being intimate with my wife. It did make the actual act of intercourse more difficult, but I found ways to still enjoy it and still make my wife satisfied. Even though I’ve always wanted other parts down there, it finally got to a point I could at least tolerate the discomfort I felt toward the privates I was given and still enjoy being sensual with my wife. I’ve also noticed that orgasms are much different. Due to the effects of the HRT, there is no output on completion, but a much deeper since of pleasure when I do orgasm. I actually feel a little more satisfied then I used to (remember before it was just a relief, no satisfaction). I hope to even feel more satisfaction after SRS (when ever that may happen, ugg). But how knows it may not be, but to be honest, I won’t be totally disappointed if it’s not. I’ve waited so long (over 30 years) to rid myself of this poison, it would be a pleasure to finally get rid of it forever. After all, since being on HRT I haven’t had a major desire to have sex and believe it or not, it’s a good feeling. Of course I still love being intimate with my wife and will always, but without the testosterone I can finally enjoy it.

What has been you experiences? I’d be interested to know. Does any of this make since to you? Am I the only one that has felt this way? Humm...

My thoughts as TDOR approaches

On the eve of Transgender Day of Remembrance 2008 I find myself reading sites on TDOR and it saddens me to no end what hatred can do to someone. I’ve hidden my true feelings most of my life in fear of this ignorance and hate. Fear of losing my family, friends or worse, having a run in with one of the hate mongers who profess to know better than I do. Several years ago I hit a time in my life where hiding who I am was not working for me anymore. So I started the process of transition to get my life back on track. I’ve learned a lot over the years and know that I am on the right path for me.

During my skimming of the sites discussing TDOR, I came across some links to sites that profess to know what’s best for me (yah right) and I’d like to take some of the comments that where left at these various sites and personally reply to them here.

Note: Some comments are in reference to President elect Barack Obama including sexual orientation and gender identity in his non-discrimination policy. But I felt a need to address some of these comments here because many show their ignorance and hatred toward trans people and felt it was important to discuss these issues.

"Well, there you go. Happy liberals? It makes me sick to my stomach."
I never considered myself liberal, but yes it does make me happy. Happy that there is FINALLY someone in the White House who will give me the respect that I or anyone else deserves. Someone who will not discriminate against me because I am transsexual. If this makes you sick to your stomach I suggest that you take some milk of magnesia and call your doctor in the morning.

"I sincerely pray this doesn't happen. What a short sighted policy with only one group being considered."
One group you say. I believe he’s including everyone in this policy. From his Change.Gov site "The Obama-Biden Transition Project does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability, or any other basis of discrimination prohibited by law." Now does that sound like one group, not to me.

"People should be content with the way God made them, and if they are having trouble with that, seek godly council."
First off I don’t have a problem with the way God made me. I’ve accepted the challenges put in front of me and I’m ready to move forward with what I need to do to make my life better for myself. I’m not a mistake, I’m not a freak or anything else that you’d like to call me. I feel I have this condition for a reason and I plan on doing what I can do deal with it. If that means transitioning to the gender I was meant to be, then so be it. You’re the one that seems to have a problem with me being transsexual, maybe you should take your own advice.

"Gays and Lesbians can be delivered of this sin/sickness thru our Lord Jesus Christ! Obama is opening the door to more molestations to our children with this decision as well. Our country will need to pray continuously and stand up and fight for all Christian beliefs as that is what this country was founded on! God Bless!"
I’m sorry, but if you really believe I want anything to do with your children you have nothing coming. I have two wonderful supportive kids of my own. I to want to protect them from the molesters, but you are sadly barking up the wrong tree when you suggest that I would want to do anything to your children. Studies have shown that the only real treatment for someone who truly is transsexual is to accept who they are and do what they can to make their life better. Sometimes that means transitioning to their known gender. Nothing else has shown to work, not shock therapy, confinement, religious institutionalization or any other treatment. By the way, the majority of the child molesters out there are not even in the LGBT community, and maybe you should look to them with your prayers. If you want to pray for anything, please pray for the 100’s of trans people who have been murdered for just trying to be them self’s.

"As a woman who regards my gender as a gift rather than something to be disrespect, I don't particularly find it either respectful or considerate for some guy who thinks he has to be "one of the girls" just because he likes to wear dresses any good reason to take over the women's bathroom. Your choice-a very self-centered choice-is an assault on healthy, normal people. Just because you can't figure out how to be a man isn't cause for you to defile my feminity. I don't appreciate that you make me have to put up with your self-gratifying, self-centered deprivation. Go to the men's bathroom...honey. And go on ahead, call me a hater. What I really hate is how you deviates push your ugly behavior on normal, healthy people."
I’m sorry that you feel I’m disrespecting you in any way, but that is far from the truth. You called it correctly though, you are a hater no matter who you slice it. There are millions of trans people in this world who just want to be left alone to live there life as quietly as possible. I should be the one insulted by you "defiling my feminity". Yes I am a women if you like it or not. I’ve know it since I was 6 years old and that’s the God honest truth. BTW, If I walk in the women’s restroom, you or any other women in that restroom is the last thing on my mind. I just want to get in there and do my business and get out like any other self respecting women would. I would respectfully ask you and others to do your research on transgender people before you place judgment on me or any other trans person. There are several studies suggesting that there is a biological connection to this condition.

"God help us!"
Yes , God help us all to see that we are a loving people and that we mean no harm to any other. Although many of you would not even think twice about killing us, writing us off as rejects, denying the same civil right’s that every human being should have. To many have died at the hands of creeps who murdered Teish Cannon this past Friday with a gunshot to the chest. Or Lawrence King who was shot to death by a classmate at school, he was only 15. Duanna Johnson who was beaten badly by on duty police officers in Menphis, TN. She was later shot in the back of the head execution style. There is to many to mention here. Yes I ask God’s help in showing others to have compassion for others in their plight to be their true self’s. To show the world that we have every right to be here as much as you do.

I’m not asking anyone to like me, I could care less if you do. All I ask is respect for who I am and let me live my life for who I really am. A Women. How many more have to die? I will not stand here anymore and be quit. I’m here in this world for a purpose and I plan on living my life the best I can and to treat everyone I meet with respect and dignity.

In closing I’d suggest that everyone read Abby's post from today and check out the video and links she provided. Peace!

“pregnant man” who should care?

Note: this blog was in part inspired by Helen G blog Pregnant man is pregnant which I did reply to. I did use that replay as a base for this post. But as usual I had more to say :)

I watched the 20/20 episode on Thomas Beatie tonight (thank goodness for DVR) and I have to comment on some of the things that were discussed. First off, I'm glad that the baby does have parents that love and care for this child. I am disturbed by the lack of caring and hatred shown in some of the messages sent to Thomas and his family. Wishing death to him and his family. HOW DARE THEY. Why do people insist on judging what they themselves do not understand. At least do your research before you dare to put any judgment on ANYONE.

TO THE ASSHOLE (please excuse my language) who said that god does not make mistakes. Did this asshole ever think that Thomas was put on this earth with the condition that he has, for a purpose. Maybe it was to show the world how diverse the universe really is. There are people born every day with conditions like missing fingers, arms legs, born with genetic conditions like cleft lips, down syndrome for example. The list goes on and on. Just because someone is born transgender, does not make them any different than anyone else. And it sure in the heck does not make them any less human. And until recently (last 20 or so years), people who are transgender had no other options to treat their condition. We have a viable treatment know, so back off. We have the right to treat this condition and we will.

Sorry I got carried away, but all this gets to me at times. I'm pre-op and want to be able to provide for my family and continue to teach my kids what values and dignity really mean. And they will surely not be taught Bigotry and hate. I’ve always taught my kids to respect others and treat them as they would want to be treated. I was not allowed to tell my kids until they each were around 15 that I was trans, but it didn’t make a difference. They love and respect me for who I am, not based on appearances, clothes or anything else. And Yes I have their support for my transition. I am so proud of them.

People should be ashamed of themselves to even think about taking Nancy's parental rights away. They both seem to be a very loving couple and I'LL BET that there child will grow up to be a much better HUMAN than the bigots that have sent them hate mail or message. If there is a case to take away parental rights, I’d say first look at the bigots out there. After all they are a much BIGGER threat to society than the Beatie’s. Ok, Nancy had issues conceiving a child and Thomas just happen to still have the right plumbing to conceive a child, so what. They both are the parents and the way I see it, they are doing their best to provide and take care of that child (ok, soon to be children). And another thing, what the heck is this Parent/Parent crap on the birth certificate of their child. Thomas is legally male and Nancy is legally female. What the heck is the issue, WAKE UP OHIO. Gee whiz!!!

I see changes in attitudes everyday and that gives me hope for a brighter future for everyone. But the fact remains that there is a lot of work that still needs to be done to educate people on transgender issues. Sure, in the Beatie’s case, it brings up many issues that not as many people think about on a daily basis, but who’s to say that what they are going through right now, with having a child will not be an issue with you or I later on down the road of our journey. I think everyone just needs to back off and let this family take care of their new family. YES I SAI D IT. FAMILY!!! So for me. They have my support and they will always have my support. I hope this family remain blessed and have a great future.

God Bless the Beatie's

What the heck are we doing?

Hi Everyone,
This week has been an up and down week for me. It seems even with history being made in the election of a new President, which I though would bring more hope to a lot of the nation (except for the one's who voted for McCain), it seems to have also started more divisiveness within the LGBT community (at least within the blogging world), which is sad. I've never really been the one to like to talk much about politics because it always brings out the worst in some people (which is another sad fact). I recently came across a few blogs on The Bilerico Project which seem to want to blame the blacks for loosing to the Prop 8 proponents. Well, I myself will not go there. I've seen number that suggest that the blame is not on the black community itself, as many are suggestioning. I'm sure that the proponents of Prop 8 are sitting around laughing at us as our communitity begins this infighting, which I sure they hope will tear us apart. I do not what that to happen as the right to marry should be for anyone of age. Cindy Rizzo a guest blogger made what I thought were lagitimate suggestion to get our rights back in California, Arizona and any other state that gets attacked by such crap. Here is my response to her blog and the comments she recieved:
Hi Cindy,
I'm a transsexual who recently found this blog. I'm also currently married to a Asian women who has given me her support for my transition. This support did not come easy, but with time and a lot of discussion between us we have come a long way. You may say why is any of this relevant. She come's from a very strong catholic background and without taking the time I did (almost 10 years, mind you not every day) to educate her on my plight I don't think I would have gotten her support. If I would have taken the route as some here are suggesting "In Your face, you will do what I say or else" I'm sure I would not gotten anywhere with her. It seems some here want to force there view of the nay sayers. How is that any better than what the political supporters of Prop 8 did and are doing. If we want to build more support for equal rights for all, then we need to better educate the public. It will be a hard fight, because the religious orgs do have a strong foot hold in many of the communities that we need support from. Am I upset, YES I am. But to me, just sitting her blaming the Blacks, Latinos or any other group with out even trying to have a intelligent dialog, I assure you will not get us anywhere. Education will be the key to our success and I believe Cindy has some valid points. We do have to strengthen our support with our allies and try to build up dialog between the ones that are apposed. If we can't do at least that, I'm almost positive that we will not ever see any positive change for the future and it could even get worse by other states overturning the right to marry. I have a stake in this too as a transwomen, when I change the sex on my legal documents, they could have easly take away my right to stay married to my wife or any other women. People, lets join together and at least start taking a look at what didn't work this time and correct those issues and do some proper education. Thank you all for you time.

I'll take it even further. Sometimes people have to meet in the middle, now I didn't see any of the ads supporting Prop 8 (I live in NY), but I'm sure not everything was true in there ads. What I mean by meeting in the middle is that we push for the right to marry, but not try and force a Religious orinization to do the surimonies unless they do support the right for the LGBT communities to marry who they like. There are other palces to get married other than a Church, such as the court house, ect. The right to marry should be a fundimental right to all and not a select few, so I would not bend on that one, but I'm sure you see what I'm talking about.

Will we ever see the rights returned (specially after they seemed to be stollen from the people of California), I hope so. There are some blogs I've seen that suggest that they can be overturned because they are not constitional. I really hope that they are overturn, because I really feel they we have been burned by the religoius right and many other orgs that supported prop 8.

As I said in my reply to the original blog, I really feel that more education in the Black, Latino, Asian, hell in EVERY community is really needed. Things are better than they where 20 years ago, but they can get alot better. If we continue to only attack the nay sayers and not aproach them with inteligence and dignity, what do you expect to get back? The SAME attacks and that will not get us anywhere. I hope we do have a better future with Obama for EVERYONE.
Hugs Michelle Lee

A message to the haters

Dear Friends, Family and haters,

Not too long ago out of the blue I started getting hate mail from a few people (about the time I was outed at work) calling me childish names, calling me selfish and a asshole. I debated for a while if I should reply to the crap and I finally decided the other day to replied to their messages and comments on my Vblog and elsewhere. Of course my reply was met with a canceled email id, which seemed to mean to me that they just created the id to slam me and then run away from the issue, which didn’t surprise me at all. I have a challenge to these people, If you’re so disgusted with what I’m doing with me life (I don’t know why you even care) why hide behind a fake email. Be honest and reveal your true self as I have. I have been honest and upfront in all my blogs and vblogs and I’m not hiding anymore, so why should you hide behind your little screen name. Are you afraid I may have something to say that may make since to you. I’ve come out to my family and close friends and many at work. I refuse to let anyone outside my family dictate how to run my life. Since I have the support of my family in this decision, that is all that matters. Even if I didn’t have their support, if I decided to still continue with my transition it is my decision and my decision alone.

I also wonder what their fascination is with my privates. It seems that most of the haters seem to bring this up. I don’t understand why they always ask the STUPID question "Are you going to cut your d#$% off". Of course in a hateful way. First off, If and when I’m ready for the SRS, these people would be the last to find out, because this is a personal issue and I’ll make that decision when I’m ready. Besides, IT’S NONE OF YOUR FRIGGIN BUISNISESS ?

As noted in my original reply, I have been diagnosed with a legitimate medical condition called GID (Gender Identity Disorder). There are millions of people around the world that were born with this condition but a majority of them just never tell anyone. I was one of those people many years ago. But I can’t keep it in the closet no more. I’m tired of hiding my condition and I refuse to let anyone try and stop me from doing what I need to do to treat the condition. I have suffered from it long enough and for once in my life I know that this is the right path for me. So in closing, Yes I’m a transsexual and I’m proud of that fact. I was born this way and will always be a transsexual. I will move forward with my transition and finally live my life as it should have been in the first place. You may call me selfish, but let me ask you this, How is it selfish to want to be true to one self and be the person I know myself to be?

Here is my original reply that couldn’t be delivered:
I'm not sure what your problem is with me, but I can assure you that I'm not the one with any problems with my decision to transition. I know for sure that this is the path I need to take. It seems to me that you are the one with issues. Maybe you should be the one to see the shrink and figure out why me being transsexual makes you so insecure. I have a legitimate medical condition (biological) . Do the research yourself or are you to lazy minded to even do that. If you or anyone else can't handle the truth then don't waste my time with your childish name calling games. I have the support of my family and friends and that's all that matters to me. I really don't care what you think and nothing you or anyone else says will change my decision to transition. Have a great day :)
Michelle