Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Update and thoughts

Hi Everyone,
It’s been a while since I posted an update here about me. I must say that when I look back 2 years ago and compare were I am now. It’s amazes me at how much better I feel about myself and my life. I also realize that my last relationship was not good for me in any way. It held me from growing personally. It held me back in way to many ways. I was too busy pleasing her ever whim they my soul never got fed what it needed. To Live Authentically! As Lori would say:)

My wife and I have spent this past year becoming closer than I think we were before. She has seen me in my strongest and weakest points in my life. We have shared feelings we never shared before and for that we become closer. We have survived more than many families do, for that we become closer. Once we both lowered our barriers we began to understanding each other better. The ability to talk to my wife heart to heart about all my trans feelings feels amazing. Judgments I used to receive is a thing of the past, instead there is more supportive talk from her and my kids. It may not all be joy in the future, but I think we know have the resolve to work this out.

This past year I have taken more time out to think out things. How the h#$%^ I’m going to pay for anything major during my transition? I’m still not really sure how I’m going to do it, but I know I can’t let that stop me from proceeding in my transition. The progress with HRT has leveled out now. I guess after two years it’s about where it ever going to be. To be honest I am happy with the progress I have made on HRT (38B). I’m feeling more confident when I’m out and I wear it proud at home. Which leads me to my next step in my journey. I’ve actually began this step already, my look has slowly changed from my hair and my body. So in this step the plan is to slowly introduce more fem look to my appearance, which also means I really should look at getting a few more things to wear, hmmm ;). I plan on gradually adding something to my appearance to hopefully dilute some of the shock factor when I do go full time. Is this a wise choice? I don’t know for sure, but I feel I will handle it better that way.
I still have many worries such as total revulsion from someone. Take this exchange (excerpt of email sent to a dear friend):
Recently I went out with my friend to a club. I think this person heard the heeled boots that I was wearing walking across the wood floors. She came running down stairs to meet me in the kitchen where she stared me down with the look to kill. I said hi to her and she replied "Don't say hi to me, I don't know you!!!" I thought to myself, Ok whatever. As I walked toward the back door, she said "Why don't you show all your friends in Kentucky the way you are?", I replied "I did, and they didn't have a problem with it!" in a pleasant tone. With that she replied "Why don't you stay there!!" and I said "Because I live here" and smiled maintaining my pleasant tone. She replied "Oh really!!". I decided it was not worth fighting her over anything and just left. Of course she peered at me through the glass door tell I left.

This is one of many incidents I’ve had to deal with this past year. It’s gotten to the point my wife is getting tired of it and has had a talk with her (Bless her heart). So we will see how the future goes. Whatever happens I’m planning on handling it as I have in the past. That is to ignore it. Well, to be honest I can’t ignore it, but I will continue to return a calm voice to her or anyone else. I will not let them get me to explode and return them totally negative vibe. I’ve been there and it can make someone an ugly person. I guess in this life we still have to deal with negative types, which makes the support from my family so precious to me. I guess they can now see that my reality is also everyone else’s and they are willing to accept that, which has brought a balance to my life.

I’m so excited for my niece. She is getting married after being with this fella for many years. He is a good person and a kind soul. They are planning on having the wedding in Puerto Rico in 2010 which sounds very exciting. I’ve never been to any of the islands so it will be a new experience. I really wish them the best. They have worked very hard and they are good people. See ya in Puerto Rico . Maybe I could get away and work on those tan lines, lol.

Pause: I’m sorry I have to clear my eyes. I’m sitting here with my IPhone watching the 20/20 episode “My Secret Self” while I’m writing this blog. It touched me the first time I saw it 2 years ago, and it still touches me today. I can identify with Jazz so much, actually all the kids I do, but for some reason the interview with Jazz seems to get to me the most.

In my own little corner in my own little chair
I can be whatever I want to be
On the wings of my fancy I can fly anywhere
And the world will open their arms to me

This is a song Jazz began to sing to Barbara during the interview. I think this is a powerful thing coming from a child her age considering she just decided to sing that particular song. It’s funny that, I use to sing In My Room by the Beach Boys when I was a kid. Actually I still do at time, but for different reasons now. I would spend hours in my room thinking of ways to change myself to be who I should have been. Nothing ever worked of course, but I always hoped that one day it could be fixed. At least today I can stand here and say proudly that I’m a transsexual. The last several years I have been getting out of that room which had become a tomb and it feels so much more natural. If you have not seen this show, see it. You can find the whole episode split up into segments here.

Last Thought:
I sometimes wonder why anyone could not believe that being transgender is not a natural thing of nature. After all, who would go through what most of the trans family goes through just to be authentic to themselves and the world. What cis-man or cis-women would go through the surgeries that we are willing to go through to be authentic. There are WAY too many of us for me to believe that this is some mental illness or that we, in some way are deranged. The world has to change its attitude. Its better than it used to be 20 years ago, but there is a lot of room for improvement. Ok, I better go before another Last Thought comes to me, lol.
Nite all.
Hugs Michelle


Debbie K said...

Hi Michelle
You can be who ever you want to be & you are well on the path to achieving that goal. Keep believing & shairing when you can. Your journey is an inspiration.
Take care.

Michelle said...

Hi Debbie,
Thank you so much for your comment. Inspiration? I really never thought of myself as an inspiration. Shoot, I'm just little ole me trying to make it in a Topsy terby world we live in. I always have hoped that my writing may help someone down the road, but an inspiration. I guess time will tell. Thanks again for your kind thoughts.
Big Hugs to you.

Debbie K said...

Hi Michelle
I feel sure your writing will help inspire someone. You may never meet them you may never know. This life sure is not easy. I am quite old but new to all this webby stuff techno whatsit but feel sure it must help for those of us on this journey to know we are not alone. I wish the internet had been around when I was a good bit younger. It is indeed a topsy turvy world. I came across a nice quote recently which may explain why you are inspirational. "As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has-or ever will have-something inside that is unique to all time. It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression". By kindly shairing Michelle's Reality you help/inspire that to happen.